Last night (well, this morning), I had a dream where my Uzbek wanderlust boiled over. Same pun I posted the last time I wanderlusted for Uzbek, I know... I just can't resist it.
I don't know how to describe the dream in a way that isn't NSFW, so... NSFW
In it, I was in Uzbekistan and had the ghost of Islam Karimov as a tour guide. He was like a living person in every way except that he could turn invisible at will, and had to eat, drink and go to the toilet like everybody else. For some reason, we had a really small car and the driver was ridiculously hyperreligious, pulling over and getting out of the car to pray in the middle of the road at the most random times. Everyone else using the road honked like hell whenever he did. It annoyed Karimov so much that at one point he used some kind of a spell to summon Putin, who was wearing tiny short shorts and a fanny pack, and they went to a gas station's bathroom together for what felt like forever. The driver got mad when he saw them coming back holding hands and kissing, but I couldn't understand anything he said. Karimov started excitedly explaining to me in a combination of Uzbek, Russian, Turkish, English and a few horribly pronounced Finnish words that there was something I had to see inside the gas station without even hinting at what it was.
So, I followed him inside while Putin took shirtless selfies flexing his muscles with a duckface. At the back of the building, there was a huge boiler, and Karimov hugged it with a blissful smile. We went back outside and saw Putin in the car, he was in the driver's seat and had an Uzbek pop song with lyrics about unicorns playing really loud; the only word I could understand for certain was "yakkashox" (unicorn), but it was really annoying. Neither of them could grasp why I didn't like it since I like unicorns, and started discussing My Little Pony and asking me what my favourite pony was. I was like "fuck MLP, it's shit and I don't watch it", which they also couldn't understand. Apparently, they thought MLP invented unicorns.
I'm not sure how we ended up near the Darvaza gas crater in Turkmenistan, but we did, and there was Berdimuhamedow dancing to Gangnam Style. He spoke English with a really posh British accent, except that he pronounced literally every /s/ and /z/ as [θ] and [ð], raving on and on about how he loved Kim Jong-un's music and that together they had the biggest collection of any franchise's trading cards in the world. He had a Snorlax plushie made to look like Niyazov and a Pikachu like Kim Jong-il, which he talked to in the kind of high-pitched voice people use to talk to pets or babies. Every time the chorus of Gangnam Style started, he made dramatic poses and squealed about his love for Kim's voice. I asked him if he knew that Psy was actually not Kim Jong-un, and he got offended and told me that he wouldn't give me any MLP memorabilia no matter how hard I begged. I told him I didn't care, which Putin and Karimov were shocked to hear, and they all were like "this is why Finland wasn't accepted into the Soviet Union".
For some reason, their mood quickly shifted and we were at Berdimuhamedow's huge mansion. There was a golden statue depicting him standing next to a horse, both with erections. His was slightly larger than the horse's. We went inside and through the building to the backyard, where he had a unicorn. It was obviously just a regular horse with a dildo strapped to its head but he insisted it was a birthday gift from Kim Jong-un, who he still didn't believe wasn't Psy, and we were back inside and he was suddenly wearing nothing but a jockstrap made of Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards and did hip-thrusting dance moves directed at Mirziyoyev, who had at some point appeared. Berdimuhamedow said "this guy is teaching me Uzbek" and winked at me, Putin and Karimov, after which they went to a bed with pink curtains, closed the curtains and started groaning "ooOOO, OOOOOOHHH".
Putin opened a portal for me and Karimov to go through, and we came out in presumably Tashkent. There was some old woman who tried to talk to me, but it was all in Uzbek and really fast so I couldn't understand anything. Karimov turned invisible and whispered in my ear what to say, I did and she stopped. We went into a hotel and he turned back to visible, and there were two Kanye Wests having sex. We ignored them and started watching TV, there was news and it was about how scientists have performed some kind of experiment that caused the value of anime to skyrocket, and it would become the official global currency. The weather forecast was narrated by a smug anime girl with huge boobs, it was in Uzbek so I only understood a handful of words but got that there would be a sharp increase in pregnancies caused by air pressure or something. They showed a tweet from Trump about anime being cancer and the weather girl declared jihad on him, urging all anime girls to convert to Islam.
I tried to ask Karimov about how that made any sense but he had turned invisible again, so I went outside and tried to talk to random people in Uzbek to learn the language better. They taught me a few words and sentences, but then they started laughing and I could feel someone pissing on me to make it look like I was pissing myself. It was obviously Karimov, but I didn't know where he was so I flailed around in all directions to push him away and everyone laughed even more. I realised it must look like I was having a seizure so I tried to explain really loudly "I'M NOT HAVING A SEIZURE" but someone misunderstood it and started calling an ambulance.
That's when I woke up, and of course had to go to the toilet. I did go back to sleep, but can't remember what dreams I had, if any. Also, there were a lot of details that I don't remember about the weird ass dream, which is annoying since it was definitely even weider than that. Oh well.