Azhong's Writing Practice.

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linguoboy
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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby linguoboy » 2022-02-18, 15:35

azhong wrote:
linguoboy wrote:"Seemingly meal time already" is a weird fragment that doesn't relate well to anything around it. Who does it seem like mealtime to...?

Is it grammatical if I say :?: "..., seeming lunchtime already"? Maybe I'll have no need then to say something like "a mealtime for Peach". Moreover, "lunchtime" or "dinnertime" is also more natural than "a mealtime"; "mealtime" is often used in plural like "at mealtimes".

But what purpose does its inclusion serve? Are you trying to suggest that Peach has lost track of time from being in the hospital? If that's this case, I think a better strategy is to insert the question "Was it lunchtime already?" (without quote). The context will make it clear that this is a question Peach is asking herself.

azhong wrote:
azhong wrote:There should be no problem to recover to seventy, eighty percent. He told me you just need to be cautious about what you eat from now on.”
Seventy to eighty percent of what?
:?: "...of your previous situation/ of your health/ of your physical ability?"

How about rephrasing it to "'You should be able to make a seventy, eighty percent recovery.'"?
"Richmond is a real scholar; Owen just learns languages because he can't bear not to know what other people are saying."--Margaret Lattimore on her two sons

azhong

Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-02-19, 4:21

¶ (The scene in the hospital continued, when Roger was continued. Roger is talking about hiring a maid.)
“What’s the time in San Francisco now?” asked Peach, her mouth muscles inflexible/still/rigid.

In It's the afternoon.”

“Help me call your mom.”

“For what?”

“Tell her I’ll quit,” said Peach in a low mood. Having no expect not expected to hear that, Roger was a bit shocked and kept silent staring at her. Then she added, “No more can I.*”
► Show Spoiler

¶ “What then?”

“I want to live in the a nursing home,” said Peach, her eyes had a fleeing stay at Roger and left at once the next moment. “How much does it cost to live there?”

Do Would* you like living/to live in a nursing home?”
► Show Spoiler

¶ “Yes,” she nodded, avoiding eye contact, a guilty expression when as/like when one tells a lie. She asked again, “How much does it cost?”

Don’t worry / Don't get worried about it. I’ll pay for you.”

Roger's generosity moved Peach, who remained silent for a while before she talked spoke again, firmly, with a constant look at Roger.

“No need. I have money. I’ll pay pay for it myself/on my own. I have money.”

¶ (A abstract of the next scene.)
Roger walked back and forth on the street looking for a good nursing center* nursing home.
► Show Spoiler

¶ He visited one, where he applied his profession expertise in finance and had his made a picky request for examining to examine the monthly bill. He read it carefully and inquired about every expense item unusual for him, as if* he had been coming to make trouble. He read it carefully and, as if he had been coming to make trouble, inquired about every expense item unusual for him.
► Show Spoiler


¶ To cope with Roger better, the receptionist had the president/manager of the center take [s]it[/s] over. When there seemed to start be the start of a conflict between the owner, a rogue-like man, and Roger, a gentle intellectual, it turned out with jocular/humor they happened to know each other but didn’t keep hadn't kept in touch. They chatted easily then, and the owner of the home promised to make prepare a room for Roger, any room he liked, and then their topic came to Peach their conversation came around to the topic of Peach.

“But you are around my age,” asked the owner of the center, “and should have no need to live in a nursing home yet. Are you okay?”

“Not me,” explained Roger.

“Your relative?”

“Not really.It’s* an old* maid*, having who's worked at my house for sixty years or so. "She's someone who's worked in our home for sixty years or so".
► Show Spoiler

¶ “How old is she now?”

“Seventy something.”

“You are really nice, even taking care of an old maid,” he praised Roger. “you're humane, and
it gains bliss* you'll have your reward.
► Show Spoiler

¶ Good -- This way, I’ll give you twenty percent off. And as well, [this free and that free] so as to have the elderly woman live here with comfort in comfort. An unpleasant word you may not want to hear: She might eventually end her life here, isn’t it isn't that so?”

Roger reflected, seemingly also getting touched with* getting choked up by/being affected by the words of his friend and finally said, “I really have no sense she has worked in my house so long.”
► Show Spoiler
Last edited by azhong on 2022-03-06, 3:07, edited 4 times in total.

azhong

Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-02-20, 6:22

¶ (Peach arrives at the nursing home.)
On a raining day, without Roger’s company, Peach moved to the nursing home alone by rehabus Rehabus/paratransit .
► Show Spoiler

¶ “Arrived There already?” Peach asked the driver as the bus stopped, looking out of the window uneasily/worriedly at her new place. She unfastened her seat belt feebly.

A lady in metal frame glasses and a long white robe had been standing in front to welcome Peach. The lady helped one of Peach’s bags helped take one of Peach's bags from her as Peach stumbled off the bus with a cane.

“Welcome, Ms. Spring-Peach Zhong," she said. "I'm Ms. Tsai, the chief here chief administrator.”
► Show Spoiler

¶ “I’m fine,” Peach said to the driver as he intended to support her getting off the bus. “Let me do it on my own/by myself.”

Both holding an umbrella Both holding an umbrellas/Each holding an umbrella, Tsai and the driver carefully shielded and supported Peach into under the eave until she was under the building's eaves, and then the driver left.

From the moment the Rebabus had stopped, all the elders having their activities in the lobby had been staring outward. Being curious Curious about what would be happening would happen/was happening, they remained kept their every second of attention to the newcomer as she entered and stumbled on forward/ahead beside Tsai. None of them actively gave out friendly smiles or greetings to Peach and neither did Peach to them; instead, an usual air of cautious observation between strangers reigned. The elders' curiosity, a feature more belonging appropriate to the young, though, couldn’t conceal* the wheelchairs some of them were sinking in;
► Show Spoiler

¶ or the lot of bloated, dark-colored clothing that made them appear weaker and older; or their dull looks and caved-in cheeks; or some of them moving that some of them were moving in a slow motion whereas the others +were as motionless as wax statues. They were a batch of/lumps of God’s dough in human figures* in the shape of humans
► Show Spoiler

¶ that had come to their ending stage when nothing new would fall upon happen to them any more. They could only try their best to get used to, --if they can't enjoy since they could never enjoy, -- the process of getting kneaded by physical pain and mental loneliness, of getting flavored with medicinal pills, and of waiting for, in turn, their eventual baking.

“Walk slowly. From now on you’ll live here. Go this way,” Tsai leaded led and supported Peach toward her room. Out of a room they passed by, fitful moans of agony sounded feebly. Peach seized her opportunity and had a curious peep through the window. Will my life here also end this way?
► Show Spoiler

¶ “Do you need a wheelchair?” asked Tsai considerately.

“No,” Peach shook her head firmly, her back hunching. “No need.”
Last edited by azhong on 2022-03-15, 6:01, edited 8 times in total.

azhong

Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-02-21, 6:41

¶ (Peach settles herself in her room.)
“You are rather blessed in your previous lives,“ said Tsai as they stepped into the room prepared for Peach. “Single rooms are few here, and this one is the best. Sit, slowly.”

After letting Peach sit down on the bed edge the edge of the bed, Tsai moved around in the small space doing chores for Peach. Peach had her looks following Tsai timidly Peach timidly followed Tsai with her eyes..

“Why are you always looking at me? ” said Tsai friendly but quickly, “You can take out all the daily necessities you have your personal belongings and we’ll stick your name to on them, your clothes, shoes and socks included. So they won’t get mixed with the other people's.”

Peach stretched her arm slowly toward the small pile of name strips of made of cloth on the bedside table, on them her name written in a poor handwriting her name written poorly on them. A new action to Peach, reasonable and necessary here--But why can't they make the strips beautifully/prettily beautiful?

Tsai went on, announcing, “You have to take good care of your valuables, or we can also help keep them keep them for you. Otherwise we won’t pay in case you lost them* if you lose them.”
► Show Spoiler

¶ “I… I had none,” said Peach, shaking her hand.

“Fine. Take all your stuff out then. You can press the bell to call us when necessary,” said Tsai.

Peach turned her head to study the bell on the wall, another new equipment piece of equipment there wasn't in Roger's house.

“Do you need any help?” Tsai asked again.

“No.”

“Nice,” said Tsai with a big smile. “How good it would be if we have had a few more like you. Take Get some rest then.”

Peach watched Tsai leaving* leave, and then had a sweeping look slowly and uneasily at the narrow space.
► Show Spoiler

¶ It was separated with partitions, unable at all to get soundproofed provide soundproofing. An exhaust fan was revolving above and making slight noise a slight noise; next to it was a hanging fan. Both fans were cheap products like those used in a factory. On the ceiling where the hanging fan was fixed had there was a big hole. Peach could find nothing to win her smiles. She had no idea it'd be such an environment when telling Roger she'd like to live in a nursing home. Her firm determination at the time was now destroyed thoroughly/ inside out by what she had seen and heard since she came in. It was quite different from Roger's house where she had lived for more than sixty years. She had gotten used to the coziness and the simple* small population,
► Show Spoiler

¶ especially since after* after most of them emigrated to America.
► Show Spoiler

¶ She even had a cat, Kaka, as her company there. But what did she have here? Feeling depressed by the nursing home and annoyed at her hasty decision, also getting tired feeling a little tired after the transportation,
► Show Spoiler

¶ she had little energy/vigor to take her simple stuff possessions out of her bags. Heavily, she placed the bag in her hand onto on the head of the bed and lay down curling on her left shoulder side, her head on the bag, while letting her legs remained drooping on droop over the edge of the bed.
Last edited by azhong on 2022-03-06, 3:27, edited 6 times in total.

azhong

Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-02-22, 7:03

¶ (Peach’s first meal at the nursing home.)
A staff member knocked from room to room informing elders it was time to eat. An elderly woman in some room responded irritably, “Eat again! Everyday just eat!” In another room where the door was open, remained motionless with his eyes closed, an elderly man was lying under a colorful quilt whereas his head, the only visible part of his body, was somewhat shriveled. A folded wheelchair stood aside.

A spectacle: Sliding in a rolling chair, the same staff member fed in turn four elders sitting in a row, a full spoon of food each time, as if a technician in a factory took care of four machines at a time.

The other elders who could eat on their own sat around tables and eat with separate plates. An elderly man wearing a bib somehow had problems in controlling his muscle and made some of his food fall onto the table. Sitting next to him, an elderly man called Headmaster, dressing himself tidily with a flat cap and a plaid scarf, couldn’t bear such a mess and scolded him loudly as Headmaster helped the clean. Then, when the elderly with a bib spitted bits of food residue onto the table, Headmaster got annoyed and pulled him by the ear like an teacher punishing a kid student, saying, “Look at yourself! You can never learn.”

The chief Tsai came to pull them apart. Headmaster quoted an erudite phrase in Ancient Chinese to condemn the elder in a bib, while the latter softly had his objection, “You eat your lunch, and I eat mine.”

Tsai knew the solution: She placed a crystal ball music box in front of Headmaster. As if enchanted, Headmaster suddenly turned/changed a softer expression, forgot his anger and stared at the tale-like scene inside the crystal ball: a lovely kid playing with two rabbits among snowflakes dancing in the air.
Last edited by azhong on 2022-02-27, 11:02, edited 5 times in total.

azhong

Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-02-23, 9:04

¶ (Peach’s first meal in the nursing home continued.)
Peach watched the conflict between the two elder men, had a sweeping look at the elders around her observing their reactions and, ready to have her lunch, looked down at the dishes on her plate. The dishes were dully monochromatic and looked distasteful.

“You are new?" asked the elderly woman beside Peach, intending to have a chat.

The woman was anonymous in the film and, for my convenience of narration, I’ll name her Bun Green or just Green for short based on her appearance: Her hair was tied in a bun and she wore in green. Speaking slowly with a smile, Bun Green went on saying, "I saw you enter. Seemingly you weren’t accompanied with any family/you had no company of any family, were you?”

“All in America, they are,” said Peach in a defensive tone, looking at Green out of the corner of her eye. What a rude question!

The next moment, an elder man took off a denture/false tooth out of his mouth and yelled, “This tooth isn’t mine. Who's wearing my denture? How can I eat now?”

He threw the denture into his water cup and looked around, waiting. Then, when a heavy man took a denture to have an exchange, the former elder softly scolded him, saying “So stupid”. The elderly woman next to him enjoyed the funny mistake and watched the whole process with a easy smile. Peach, however, was quite surprised to witness such an occurrence/event, unimaginable for her. How can even a denture get mixed? she thought. And I have to endure ridiculous events like these with these elders all the rest of my life!

Bun Green tried again to chat with Peach, asking, “How should I call you?”

“Spring Peach Zhong, call me.”

“Spring Peach?” said some elder man in front of Peach but out of frame. “It sounds just like a name for a maid.”

Stiffened in anger, Peach glared at the person silently for a long while before she yelled back loudly, “Have I offended/displeased you?” Then, turning to Bun Green, Peach said, “Just call me Peach.”

Sister Peach*,” said Bun Green sweetly with a friendly smile.
► Show Spoiler

¶ “Yeah, this name sounds better,” commented the earlier voice out of frame.

“I don’t need you call me,” roared Peach.

Ignore him/ Don’t mind him. Let’s have our lunch.” Bun Green comforted Peach. “Are the dishes suiting you?”

Socially, Peach nodded silently. Then, looking down again at the terrible dishes, she sighed deeply.
Last edited by azhong on 2022-03-08, 2:42, edited 2 times in total.

azhong

Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-02-24, 7:38

¶ (Two events at night.)
Peach couldn’t sleep at night, her first night in the nursing home. She sat on the bed leaning against the wall. Now, she needed to go to the shared toilet.

With her able arm, she propped herself with effort to stand up and stumbled out of her room with her cane. Her cane awkwardly bumped into a leg of a chair on her way. Arriving at the toilet room, she pulled the door of a toilet open, looked into it from the outside, give it up eventually/in the end and turned around toward the next. There again, she didn’t enter. But there were no more toilets already.

She wobbled slowly back to her room, bit a piece of tissue out of a pack with her teeth and used it to stuff her nostrils, to block the stench in the toilet more or less.

When Peach was getting her adaption of the shared toilet, meanwhile, there was another elder woman packing her stuff in her room, muttering, “I wanna go back to the country.” Low but clear in the silence of the night, her voice sounded miserable. Then, carrying some clothes wrapped up in a piece of cloth, she repetitively pulled the locked-up entrance door at the lobby and lasted her endless mutter. An elder man showed up and pacified her.

“Grandma! Grandma,” he called her.

“I wanna go back to the country.”

“Okay, okay, we’re going back. Let me help your luggage,” he said, bringing her away from the door.

The night passed; the morning had broken. Peach walked out to the lobby and saw the elder man was taking the elder woman circling there, still carrying her cloth bag, as if he were bringing her home. When passing Peach by, he smiled at Peach and gave her an oily, naughty wink. Peach disliked it and frowned.

Good or bad, another day began for Peach's new life in the nursing home. There were also some other elders living here practicing T'ai chi at the lobby. The scene looked serene and peaceful.
Last edited by azhong on 2022-02-27, 10:38, edited 1 time in total.

azhong

Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-02-25, 10:58

¶ (Roger comes to see Peach.)
Finishing another business meeting at another city, Roger was exhausted and kept sleeping all his way back to Hong Kong. Afterwards he paid his visit to Peach when she was sweeping her room.

“Sister Peach,” Roger knocked the partition and saw Peach through the window. He stepped in then and said, “What are you doing? Don’t sweep the floor. Just leave it to the cleaning persons.”

Peach wasn’t expecting Roger’s visit and was delighted to see him. A big smile emerged on her face. Roger smiled at her, too, asking, “How’s the environment here?”

“Fine.”

“Can you get used to it?”

“Yes.”

Roger had himself seated but, seeing Peach intending to go on her cleaning, stood up again to take the brush from her and said “Let me do it” although Peach kept saying “I can”. Roger supported Peach to sit down on the bed.

“Don’t do it, then,” said Peach. “You don’t, either.”

Roger ignored her humbleness. While sweeping the floor, he said, “Just let me know if you need anything, and I’ll bring you them once I’m available.”

“I need nothing.”

“It can’t be. Something like soap, for example, or tissue. And pajama, as an alternative.”

“Ah. Okay then,” Peach accepted him being nice. She watched at Roger sweeping the floor, smiling.

“I’ll bring you them next time,” said Roger.

“You’re so busy,” asked Peach shyly but expectantly, her eyes following the swaying brush. “When’ll be the next time?”

“...Two weeks maybe.”

Peach nodded although her expression told that she expected Roger would come earlier.
Roger, however, was doing the cleaning and didn't see it.

"Don't do it any more, " Peach said again dryly and with imperceptible disappointment.

Finished the cleaning, Roger followed Peach's instruction to put the utensils at a corner and sat down, when Peach asked him a favor humbly.

“Can you bring me two bottles of fermented tofu next time you come? I want the slightly spicy ones.”

“Why? Meals are not good?”

“I haven’t had it for a long time.”

“Eat it no more now that you haven’t had it for a long time. Nothing good to you.” Roger said naughtily, deliberately copying the words Peach said to him before.

Hearing that, Peach grinned, "Okay then."

Roger had another suggestion. “How about me getting a cell phone for you? So that you can call me whenever necessary.”
Last edited by azhong on 2022-02-28, 4:31, edited 4 times in total.

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby linguoboy » 2022-02-25, 22:51

azhong wrote:¶ (The scene in the hospital continued. Roger is talking about hiring a maid.)
“What’s the time in San Francisco now?” asked Peach, her mouth muscles inflexible/still/rigid.

It's afternoon.”

“Help me call your mom.”

“For what?”

“Tell her I’ll quit,” said Peach in a low mood. Having not expected to hear that, Roger was a bit shocked and kept silently staring at her. Then she added, “No more can I.”

"No more can I" is extremely poetic. Unless Peach is quoting some passage from a book or movie, it sounds completely out of place in a contemporary context.

azhong wrote:“I want to live in the nursing home,” said Peach, her eyes had a fleeing stay at Roger and left at once the next moment. “How much does it cost to live there?”

“Do you like living in a nursing home?”

I'm confused. Has Peach lived in a nursing home already?

Also, the paragraph has Roger looking for a nursing home, but saying "the nursing home" makes it sound like Peach already has a specific one in mind, one that Roger knows about. If she doesn't, you'd expect her to say "a nursing home". (Also, although "nursing center" can mean a nursing home, this isn't the most common term and it can be confusing, since a "nursing center" usually means a place one goes to learn nursing.)

azhong wrote:“Yes,” she nodded, avoiding eye contact, a guilty expression as when one tells a lie. She asked again, “How much does it cost?”

Don’t worry / Don't get worried about it. I’ll pay for you.”

Roger's generosity moved Peach, who remained silent for a while before she spoke again, firmly, with a constant look at Roger.

“No need. I have money. I’ll pay for it myself/on my own. I have money.”


azhong wrote:Roger walked back and forth on the street looking for a good nursing centerhome. He visited one, where he applied his professionexpertise in finance and had hismade a picky request for examiningto examine the monthly bill. He read it carefully and inquired about every expense item unusual for him, as if he had been coming to make trouble.

What's "unusual for him"? The items or coming to make trouble?

azhong wrote:To cope with Roger better, the receptionist had the owner of the center take it over. When there seemed to be the start of a conflict between the owner, a rogue-like man, and Roger, a gentle intellectual, it turned out with [u]jocular/humor [/u]they happened to know each other but didn’t keephadn't kept in touch. They chatted easily then, and the owner of the centerhome promised to makeprepare a room for Roger, any room he liked, and then their topic conversation came around to the topic of Peach.

“But you are around my age,” asked the owner of the center, “and should have no need to live in a nursing home yet. Are you okay?”

“Not me,” explained Roger.

“Your relative?”

“Not really. It’s an old maid, having who's worked at my house for sixty years or so.”

1. Using "it" to refer to people is generally considered rude.
2. So is using "old". What sound best to me is a sentence like "She's someone who's worked in our home for sixty years or so". The "sixty years" makes it clear she's old without him having to say the word.

azhong wrote:“You are really nice, even taking care of an old maid,” he praised Roger. “you're humane, and
it gains bliss.

I'm not sure if you mean heavenly bliss or what belief system this is meant to imply. Something like "you'll have your reward" is vague enough that it could be interpreted in a specifically religious sense or a more vaguely spiritual one.

azhong wrote:Good -- This way, I’ll give you twenty percent off. And as well, [this free and that free] so as to have the elderly woman live here within comfort. An unpleasant word you may not want to hear: She might eventually end her life here, isn’t that so?”

Roger reflected, seemingly also getting touched with the words of his friend and finally said, “I really have no sense she has worked in my house so long.”

Okay, couple things: Words can be "touching", but I don't think that applies to the words the director of the nursing home said. He didn't express any particular concern for Roger or for Peach, he just mentioned and unpleasant possibility. So I'd be more likely to describe Roger's emotional reaction as "getting choked up" or just "being affected".
"Richmond is a real scholar; Owen just learns languages because he can't bear not to know what other people are saying."--Margaret Lattimore on her two sons

azhong

Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-02-26, 3:08

(Revising a sentence.)
He read it carefully and, as if he had/ as if having* been coming to make trouble / [b]as if to come to make trouble, [/b] he inquired about every expense item unusual for him.
To use a participial clause after "as if", there are times when this sounds perfectly fine. E.g.:
"Adam's father leads Adam away from the library and further into the woods, looking backward as if running away from someone, until they discover a dog."

The real problem with "as if having been coming" is...that the participial contains a perfect progressive construction... Off hand, I can't think of a single instance where it sounds better than using a finite verb...You're better off avoiding this particular construction.

Perfect passive constructions (e.g. "having been left behind") are more common, but still pretty rare:
"At other times he is suddenly afraid, as if having been seen by God."
Last edited by azhong on 2022-03-01, 6:32, edited 3 times in total.

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby linguoboy » 2022-02-26, 22:06

azhong wrote:(Revising a sentence.)
He read it carefully and, as if he had / as if having been coming to make trouble, he inquired about every expense item unusual for him.

Thanks. That's much clearer.

(You really do need to try to reduce your use of participial clauses. "as if having been coming" sounds absolutely terrible. I'm still trying to come up with some good models for you follow.)
"Richmond is a real scholar; Owen just learns languages because he can't bear not to know what other people are saying."--Margaret Lattimore on her two sons

azhong

Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-02-27, 2:51

¶ (Corrections from Vijayan.)
Yeah, thank you for telling telling me, Vijaya. I reported reported a post once, too.
...their account as well as all their posts will be removed clearly* totally/completely removed.
What's the difficult word you have used used last time when the last time you said...
► Show Spoiler
Last edited by azhong on 2022-03-01, 6:27, edited 1 time in total.

azhong

Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-02-28, 4:52

¶ (Roger comes to see Peach continued.)
“No,” said Peach, going on shaking her hand* waving her hand dismissively/ waving her hand in a gesture of refusal/ dismissing the suggestion with a wave of her hand., “don’t waste your money.” And then she put in with a smile, “I don’t know how to use it one [=a cell phone].”
► Show Spoiler

¶ “I can teach you.”
“No need. I can have Ms. Tsai call you if necessary.”
“…That also works.”
“Don’t worry me.”
Roger looked around, and Peach asked, “Do you remember the year your grandma got had strokes? Do you remember?”

Seeing Roger recalling in silence, she said, “You can't remember any more. You went abroad for your study were studying abroad at the time.” She went on speaking happily, looking at Roger, “She had a stroke, and then recovered. After getting recovered recovering/getting her recovery, she had another stroke again. And after the stroke she recovered again. It’ll come and go. I am fine living here; they can take care of me.”

After saying these white lies to comfort Roger, Peach turned her looks* face away guiltily and looked down at the ground.
► Show Spoiler

¶ “Your son?” asked an elderly man, exactly the one who comforted that I-wanna-go-back-to-the-country elderly woman in the night. He was called Uncle Ken. Ken stood outside the room leaning on the window.
“No,” replied Roger.
“See?” said Bun Green, who also showed up beside Uncle Ken. “I’ve told you they don’t look alike.”
Peach’s good mood was ruined/destroyed by Bun's rude words, said nothing and pulled a long face.
“your godson?” guessed Uncle Ken again.
Feeling an air of embarrassment reigned in the silence, Roger answered again, saying “Yes” this time.
“You are so blessed, Sister Peach,” said Green sincerely, “with a godson to visit you. What a good thing!”
Hearing that, Peach smiled again. Bun had said what she also felt. My godson Roger? That's too... She remained silent and turned her looks glanced* here and there uneasily but her big smile lasted and showed her happiness.
► Show Spoiler
Last edited by azhong on 2022-03-02, 11:09, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby linguoboy » 2022-02-28, 19:22

azhong wrote:
linguoboy wrote: (You really do need to try to reduce your use of participial clauses. "as if having been coming" sounds absolutely terrible. I'm still trying to come up with some good models for you follow.)

Thank you. I'm now somewhat confused that, in order to have a succinct expression, following which conjunctions I can leave out the same subject also used in the main clause and keep only a participial phrase grammatically. I am reviewing the relevant usages by making errors.

So, it's not just jarring but totally ungrammatical to say "if Ving" or "as if Ving". The Ving pattern works fine with "when" and "while" but a complete clause is needed after "if" and "as".

If it were "totally ungrammatical" to use a participial clause after "as if", I would have said so. There are times when this sounds perfectly fine. E.g.:

"Adam's father leads Adam away from the library and further into the woods, looking backward as if running away from someone, until they discover a dog."

It is ungrammatical to have a participial clause after just as. Despite their apparent relatedness, as and as if are completely different conjunctions with different meanings and different syntax.

The real problem with "as if having been coming" is not that it begins with as if, but rather that the participial contains a perfect progressive construction. This is just almost never the most elegant or most natural phrasing for a clause. Off hand, I can't think of a single instance where it sounds better than using a finite verb. That doesn't mean that one doesn't exist, but it probably does mean that such cases are so exceedingly rare you're better off avoiding this particular construction.

Perfect passive constructions (e.g. "having been left behind") are more common, but still pretty rare:

"At other times he is suddenly afraid, as if having been seen by God."

azhong wrote:There are two grammatical expressions: "if so" and "if necessary"; however, they are fixed phrases, not a succinct expression by leaving out the same subject.

Moreover, they're not participial expressions. The verb is simply left out entirely.

I didn't realise your overriding goal was trying to omit the subject as much as possible. There are other ways to accomplish this, such as using sentence fragments. I can go more details on those other possibilities if you're interested.
"Richmond is a real scholar; Owen just learns languages because he can't bear not to know what other people are saying."--Margaret Lattimore on her two sons

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby linguoboy » 2022-02-28, 19:31

azhong wrote:“No,” said Peach, going on shaking her hand

Her hand or her head? What is she shaking her hand for?

azhong wrote:And then she put in with a smile, “I don’t know how to use one.”

She's talking about an unspecified cell phone, not a particular one referred to earlier.

azhong wrote:Roger looked around, and Peach asked, “Do you remember the year your grandma got had strokes? Do you remember?”

Seeing Roger recalling in silence, she said, “You can't remember any more. You went abroad for yourwere studying abroad at the time.” She went on speaking happily, looking at Roger, “She gothad a stroke, and then recovered. After getting recovering, she gothad another stroke again. And after the stroke she got recovered again. It’ll come and go. I am fine living here; they can take care of me.”

After saying these white lies to comfort Roger, Peach turned her looksface away guiltily and looked down at the ground.

"looks" in the plural refers to general appearance. E.g.:

"He seemed oblivious to her good looks" = "He seemed oblivious to her physical attractiveness."

azhong wrote:“Your son?” asked an elderly man, exactly the one who comforted that I-wanna-go-back-to-the-country elderly woman in the night. He was called Uncle Ken. Ken stood outside the room leaning on the window.

azhong wrote:Hearing that, Peach smiled again. Bun had said what she also felt. My godson Roger? That's too... She remained silent and turned her looksglanced here and there uneasily but her big smile lasted and showed her happiness.
"Richmond is a real scholar; Owen just learns languages because he can't bear not to know what other people are saying."--Margaret Lattimore on her two sons

azhong

Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-03-01, 7:17

linguoboy wrote:I didn't realise your overriding goal was trying to omit the subject as much as possible. There are other ways to accomplish this, such as using sentence fragments. I can go more details on those other possibilities if you're interested.

Sure, and I thank you in advance. To be succinct and avoid noneffective wordiness is a general principle in writing, isn't it?

azhong wrote:“No,” said Peach, going on shaking her hand
Her hand or her head? What is she shaking her hand for?

It's hand; I didn't have a typo.

In chinese, to shake your head is "搖頭",an action to express no. And similarly you can also express so by "搖手". E.g.: "他搖手拒絕。" See the politicl news film at 0:52, where the city mayor, the sitting balded man, rejected the ironic gift from the city ​​councilor. How can I express this action in English?

There is another term "揮手"; it's an action to greet someone, to say goodbye, or to catch someone's attention. I think it's "to wave one's hand".

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby linguoboy » 2022-03-01, 16:38

azhong wrote:Sure, and I thank you in advance. To be succinct and avoid noneffective wordiness is a general principle in writing, isn't it?

I would say that these are two different principles. Being succinct creates an effect. Being wordy creates a different effect. Effective communication is matching your style to the effect that you want to create. Sometimes you try so hard to be succinct that the result is unnatural, jarring, or highly literary.

azhong wrote:In chinese, to shake your head is "搖頭",an action to express no. And similarly you can also express so by "搖手". E.g.: "他搖手拒絕。" See the politicl news film at 0:52, where the city mayor, the sitting balded seated man, rejected the ironic gift from the city ​​councilor. How can I express this action in English?

We have a similar gesture in English but we don't have concise expression for it. You might have to say "waving her hand in a gesture of refusal" or "waving her hand dismissively" to convey this meaning. Alternatively, "dismissing the suggestion with a wave of her hand".
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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby linguoboy » 2022-03-01, 22:46

azhong wrote:“I want to live in the a nursing home,” said Peach, her eyes had a fleeing stay at Roger and left at once the next moment. “How much does it cost to live there?”

“Do you like living to live in a nursing home?”
► Show Spoiler

It's the choice of participial-gerund vs infinitive which makes the distinction here, it's the tense. If it's present tense, then it implies that Peach has already lived in a nursing home and developed an opinion of what it is like (living)/(to live) in a nursing home. If she hasn't lived in one you would use the conditional form, i.e.:

"Would you like living/to live in a nursing home?"

Here "would" indicates uncertainty. Either Peach hasn't lived in one or Roger doesn't know whether she has or not.

azhong wrote:Roger reflected, seemingly also "getting choked up"/"being affected" withby the words of his friend and finally said, “I really have no sense she has worked in my house so long.”
"Richmond is a real scholar; Owen just learns languages because he can't bear not to know what other people are saying."--Margaret Lattimore on her two sons

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby linguoboy » 2022-03-01, 23:00

azhong wrote:¶ (Peach arrives at the nursing home.)
On a raining day, without Roger’s company, Peach moved to the nursing home alone by rehabus.

You'll need to gloss "Rehabus" for an audience outside Hong Kong, since our paratransit services go by different names.

azhong wrote:“Arrived already?” Peach asked the driver as the bus stopped

Not idiomatic. We use an adverb, e.g. "There already?"

azhong wrote:The lady helped one of Peach’s bags as Peach stumbled off the bus with a cane.

Did she take the bag from Peach or what?

azhong wrote:"I'm Ms. Tsai, the chief here.”

Chief what? This title isn't used by itself except to refer to the leaders of Indian nations or very informally.

azhong wrote:Both holding an umbrella

This makes it sound like they're both holding the same umbrella. Either "Both holding umbrellas" or "Each holding an umbrella".

azhong wrote:Tsai and the driver carefully shielded and supported Peach intountil she was under the building's eaves


azhong wrote:From the moment the rehabus had stopped, all the elders having their activities in the lobby had been staring outward. Being Curious about what was happening/would happen, they remainedkept their every second of attention toon the newcomer as she entered and stumbled on beside Tsai. None of them actively gave out friendly smiles or greetings to Peach and neither did Peach to them; instead, an usual air of cautious observation between strangers reigned. The elders' curiosity, a feature more belongingappropriate to the young, though, couldn’t dominate/cover/spoke louder thanconceal the wheelchairs some of them were sinking in; or the lot of bloated, dark-colored clothing that made them appeared weaker and older; or their dull looks and caved-in cheeks; or that some of them were moving in a slow motion whereas the others were as motionless as wax statues They were a batch of/lumps of God’s dough in human figuresthe shape of humans that had come to their ending stage when nothing new would fall uponhappen to them any more. They could only try their best to get used to--if they can't enjoysince they could never enjoy--the process of getting kneaded by physical pain and mental loneliness, of getting flavored with medicinal pills, and of waiting for, in turn, their eventual baking.

“Walk slowly. From now on you’ll live here. Go this way,” Tsai leaded and supported Peach toward her room.
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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby linguoboy » 2022-03-01, 23:17

azhong wrote:After letting Peach sit down on the edge of the bed edge, Tsai moved around in the small space doing chores for Peach. Peach had her looks following Tsai timidly followed Tsai with her eyes.

“Why are you always looking at me? ” said Tsai friendly but quickly, “You can take out all the daily necessities you haveyour personal belongings and we’ll stick your name toon them, your clothes, your shoes and socks included,etc. So they won’t get mixed with the other people's.”

Peach stretched her arm slowly toward the small pile of name strips made of cloth on the bedside table, on them her name written in a poorly handwritingon them. A reasonable, necessary action here but new to Peach. But why can't they make the strips beautifully/prettily?

Tsai went on, announcing, “You have to take good care of your valuables, or we can also help keep them for you. Otherwise we won’t pay in caseif you lose them.”

azhong wrote:As Peach turned her head to study the bell on the wall, another new piece of equipment there wasn't in Roger's house.

This is a sentence fragment. You have a subordinate clause and appositive clause, but no main clause.

azhong wrote:“Nice,” said Tsai with a big smile. “How good it would be if we havehad a few more like you. TakeGet some rest then.”

Contrary to fact statements require a conditional form, which in this case looks exactly like the past tense.

azhong wrote:Peach watched Tsai leaving, and then had a sweeping look slowly and uneasily at the narrow space. It was separated with partitions, unable at all to get soundproofed.

Really odd phrasing. Partitions don't prevent soundproofing, they simply don't provide any.

azhong wrote:An exhaust fan was revolving above and making a slight noise; next to it was a hanging fan. Both fans were cheap products like those used in a factory. On the ceiling where the hanging fan was fixed hadthere was a big hole. Peach could find nothing to win her smiles. She had no idea it'd be such an environment when telling Roger she'd like to live in a nursing home. Her firm determination at the time was now destroyed thoroughly/ inside out by what she had seen and heard since she came in. It was quite different from Roger's house where she had lived for more than sixty years. She had gotten used to the coziness and the simple population, especially since after most of them emigrated to America.

"Simple" applied to people means "not intelligent".

azhong wrote:She even had a cat, Kaka, as her company there. But what did she have here? Feeling depressed atby the nursing home and annoyed at her hasty decision, also gettinga little tired after the transportation, she had little energy/vigor to take her simple stuffpossessions out of her bags. Heavily, she placed the bag in her hand onto the head of the bed and lay down curling on her left shoulderside, her head on the bag, while letting her legs remained drooping ondroop over the edge of the bed.
"Richmond is a real scholar; Owen just learns languages because he can't bear not to know what other people are saying."--Margaret Lattimore on her two sons


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