Azhong's Writing Practice.

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azhong
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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2021-01-14, 3:03

(Thank you in advance for your help.)

I was apprehensive then, my face perhaps turning palpably as pale as the other wizards around the long table, when I heard Voldemort mentioning Potter's continued existence. Some of us stiff and the others fidgety, involuntarily for each of us, all were afraid of being accused and punished. At any rate, Voldemort seemed just speaking more to himself than to us, addressing the slowly revolving body above with a tone which unstably drifted, sometimes thoughtful while sometimes lost in thought.

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2021-01-15, 5:07

(Thank you in advance for your any assistance.)

Over my father I could see my mother's profile, pretty but quite tense and rigid, looking straight ahead, with her long blonde hair hanging down her back, trying to be as impassive as she could. Beneath the table, however, I saw her long, slim fingers quickly circled the wrist of my father, who, following that signal, slowly drew out his wand from his robes and passed it along to Voldemort. Then, unable to control myself again, I glanced upward at the inert body revolving directly above me, upside down, with its moving image reflecting in the gilded mirror and in the bare, polished long table.

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2021-01-16, 2:32

(Thank you in advance for your emendations.)

I had evidently got distracted by the inert body revolving above; the next thing I knew, I heard my family name was clearly mentioned and then Voldemort's remaining words, which was helpless to figure out anything specific. On my left I saw my father was cautiously delivering his reply, his hand shaking as he wiped sweat from his upper lip. To his left, meanwhile, I saw my mother, still rigid and impassive, had a stiff nod as her silent echo. Not knowing what to do, I quickly glanced at the table head, averting as from Voldemort's eyes and the huge snake as I could, and then away, terror speeding up my heartbeats.

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2021-01-17, 3:56

( Thank you in advance for any help you are about to provide.)

The moment Voldemort's scolding paused, I heard a soft voice seem to hiss on. It grew louder and louder, making a few among us barely repress a shudder, while I could feel some slight vibration: beneath the table something heavy was sliding across the floor. And then it appeared at the table head, the huge snake, its head emerging first, where lay the unblinking red eyes with vertical slits for pupils, then its body rising up along Voldemort's chair, seemingly endlessly, of which its neck was the thickness of a man's thigh, and it finally resting upon Voldemort's shoulder. Voldemort stroke it absently with his pale, slim fingers, tilting his head on one side, as considering me with a malicious, constant gaze.

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2021-01-18, 3:00

(Thank you in advance for your assistance.)

His skin was yellowish and waxy, his eyes, widening maliciously though, sunken and shadowed. A small man with dark, curved hair, so small that his chair seemed unoccupied at first glance, scrambled from his seat and scurried from the room. His long cloak, however, was ornate, flapping around his ankles as he marched, strutting majestically. A squat man, sitting rigidly, his features blunt and twisted, gave a wheezing giggle which was echoed here and there. The female immediately sitting next to his right spoke something then, her voice hoarse yet constricted with emotion, her face blooding, and her eyes welling with tears of delight.

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby Linguaphile » 2021-01-18, 3:27

azhong wrote:(Thank you in advance for your emendations.)

I had evidently got distracted by the inert body revolving above; the next thing I knew, I heard my family name was clearly mentioned and then Voldemort's remaining words, which was helpless to figure out anything specific. On my left I saw my father was cautiously delivering his reply, his hand shaking as he wiped sweat from his upper lip. To his left, meanwhile, I saw my mother, still rigid and impassive, had a stiff nod as her silent echo. Not knowing what to do, I quickly glanced at the table head, averting as from Voldemort's eyes and the huge snake as I could, and then away, terror speeding up my heartbeats.


I had evidently got distracted by the inert body revolving above; the next thing I knew, I heard my family name was clearly mentioned and then Voldemort's remaining words, of which I was helpless to figure out anything specifically. On my left I saw my father was cautiously delivering his reply, his hand shaking as he wiped sweat from his upper lip. To his left, meanwhile, I saw my mother, still rigid and impassive, had a stiff nod as her silent echo. Not knowing what to do, I quickly glanced at the head of the table, averting my eyes from Voldemort's eyes and from the huge snake as much as I could, and then looked away, terror speeding up my heartbeats
[I crossed out "eyes" to avoid awkward repetition, although it's not really incorrect to repeat it.]

azhong wrote:( Thank you in advance for any help you are about to provide.)

The moment Voldemort's scolding paused, I heard a soft voice seem to hiss on. It grew louder and louder, making a few among us barely repress a shudder, while I could feel some slight vibration: beneath the table something heavy was sliding across the floor. And then it appeared at the table head, the huge snake, its head emerging first, where lay the unblinking red eyes with vertical slits for pupils, then its body rising up along Voldemort's chair, seemingly endlessly, of which its neck was the thickness of a man's thigh, and it finally resting upon Voldemort's shoulder. Voldemort stroke it absently with his pale, slim fingers, tilting his head on one side, as considering me with a malicious, constant gaze.


The moment Voldemort's scolding paused, I heard a soft voice that seemed to hiss on. It grew louder and louder, making a few among us barely repress a shudder, while I could feel some slight vibration: beneath the table something heavy was sliding across the floor. And then it appeared at the head of the table: the huge snake, its head emerging first, where the unblinking red eyes lay with vertical slits for pupils, then its body rising seemingly endlessly up along Voldemort's chair, [/b]of which its neck was the thickness of a man's thigh, and it finally resting upon Voldemort's shoulder. Voldemort stroke it absently with his pale, slim fingers, tilting his head on one side, as if considering me with a malicious, constant gaze.
[The word-order changes are to help it flow better, keeping descriptive words closer to what they describe, etc.]

azhong wrote:(Thank you in advance for your assistance.)

His skin was yellowish and waxy, his eyes, widening maliciously though, sunken and shadowed. A small man with dark, curved hair, so small that his chair seemed unoccupied at first glance, scrambled from his seat and scurried from the room. His long cloak, however, was ornate, flapping around his ankles as he marched, strutting majestically. A squat man, sitting rigidly, his features blunt and twisted, gave a wheezing giggle which was echoed here and there. The female immediately sitting next to his right spoke something then, her voice hoarse yet constricted with emotion, her face blooding, and her eyes welling with tears of delight.


His skin was yellowish and waxy, and his eyes widened maliciously although sunken and shadowed. :?: A small man with dark, curved hair, so small that his chair seemed unoccupied at first glance, scrambled from his seat and scurried from the room. His long cloak, however, was ornate, flapping around his ankles as he marched, strutting majestically. A squat man, sitting rigidly, his features blunt and twisted, gave a wheezing giggle which was echoed here and there. The female immediately sitting next to his right spoke something then, her voice hoarse yet constricted with emotion, her face turning red, and her eyes welling with tears of delight.

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2021-01-18, 5:24

Linguaphile wrote:
azhong wrote:His skin was yellowish and waxy, his eyes, widening maliciously though, sunken and shadowed.
His skin was yellowish and waxy, and his eyes widened maliciously although sunken and shadowed. :?:

How if I desire to say, with a different emphasis:
His skin was ..., and his eyes were sunken and shadowed, although widening maliciously.

His skin was ..., and his eyes, widening maliciously though, were sunken and shadowed.

Are the two sentences above natural? Thank you in advance for your response.

Linguaphile
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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby Linguaphile » 2021-01-18, 5:30

azhong wrote:
Linguaphile wrote:
azhong wrote:His skin was yellowish and waxy, his eyes, widening maliciously though, sunken and shadowed.
His skin was yellowish and waxy, and his eyes widened maliciously although sunken and shadowed. :?:

How if I desire to say, with a different emphasis:
His skin was ..., and his eyes were sunken and shadowed, although widening maliciously.

His skin was ..., and his eyes, widening maliciously though, were sunken and shadowed.

Are the two sentences above natural? Thank you in advance for your response.

I like the first of those two. The second one does not sound natural to me.

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azhong
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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2021-01-19, 0:46

Linguaphile wrote:
azhong wrote: Voldemort stroke it absently with his pale, slim fingers, tilting his head on one side, as considering me with a malicious, constant gaze.
Voldemort stroke it absently with his pale, slim fingers, tilting his head on one side, as if considering me with a malicious, constant gaze.

May I inquire how to say it if my intention was not as if but, instead, meanwhile, in the state of, when, while? I suppose the as I have used here can provide the meaning of when, while.

He stroke it, tilting his head, [and at the same time] considering me.

He stroke it, considering me with his head tilted.

He stroke the snake absolutely, considering me with a malicious gaze, his head tilted
.

Thank you in advance for your reply.

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2021-01-19, 3:02

(Thank you in advance for your assistance.)

I praised her briefly but sincerely, clapping her on the back, who then glanced quickly at me and away again, her face flooding with colors and her eyes welling with tears of joy.
"There can be no higher pleasure than having your commendation…", she said, her voice constricted with emotion.

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2021-01-20, 2:57

(How is the long, imitative sentence below? Thank you in advance for your comments.)

Tom sat beside his brother David, as unlike him in looks, tall and muscular with his hair cutted neatly short compared to David's being pale and slim with a long hair hanging down his back, as he was in bearing and demeanor; David sat lazy and comfortable, Tom leaned forward energetically, as if ready for another set of push-ups then pull-ups.

My analysis at my model below:
She was unlike her sister as in looks as in bearing and demeanor.
She sat next to her sister, unlike her as in looks as in bearing and demeanor.
She sat next to her sister, as unlike her in looks as (she was) in bearing and demeanor.

She sat beside her sister, as unlike her in looks, with her dark hair and heavily lidded eyes, as she was in bearing and demeanor; where Narcissa sat rigid and impassive, Bellatrix leaned toward Voldemort, for mere words could not demonstrate her longing for closeness.


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