Azhong's Writing Practice.

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby Linguaphile » 2022-01-19, 4:00

azhong wrote:Clear, thank you.

Btw, I think I should say " he (slightly) pushed the curtain aside open/upward open (with his hand) in case he didn't really pull the curtain rope.
(I used poked in my last exercise, but now I think pushed is better.)

Yes, with "pushed" it sounds good to me. Use either "aside", "upward" or "open" (not a combination of those words like "aside open", just one word or the other).
Sono di continuo a caccia di parole. Descriverei il processo così: Ogni giorno entro in un bosco con un cestino in mano. Trovo le parole tutt'attorno: sugli alberi, nei cespugli, per terra (in realtà: per la strada, durante la conversazioni, mentre leggo). Ne raccolgo quante più possibile. -Jhumpa Lahiri

azhong

Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-01-19, 9:05

↓ (A question about the correct usage of relative pronoun what.)
Last edited by azhong on 2022-01-20, 8:21, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby linguoboy » 2022-01-20, 0:12

azhong wrote:What I learned in middle school: the relative pronoun "what" is equivalent to "the thing which", "the reason that", "the fact that" "those which", etc. I thought it's an interchangeable expression whenever I want to omit the modified noun "the fact", "those" etc. But obviously such a replacement is not always proper. When can "what" not be applied as a relative pronoun? Or why is it improper in the sentences above?

"What" is used when the referent is particularly indefinite or vague. I think the second example shows this quite nicely:
For example, if you do not hear clearly what was broadcast through a megaphone or a broadcasting system (like those [which are] used in school), you can ask, "What did the broadcast say just now?

In the first example, what is used to refer to anything at all that could be broadcast. But in the second example, the reference is to a very specific set of devices used to broadcast information in schools so you have to use a more definite relative pronoun.

To return to the first example, what would be possible if you were talking about the indefinite universe of things he could be talking about rather than the specific fact that he doesn't like talking:
[I don't know] if it's what he doesn't like talking about that makes him get used to being quiet.

Again, we have a contrast. When we first introduce the notion of things he doesn't like talking about, it's vague. But once we've defined this as an object of discourse, then we can refer back to it using a more definite pronoun (that).

Some more examples:

She'll get you what you want, you just need to tell us what it is.
The simple fact that you want something isn't reason enough for us to give it to you.
Give me what's in your hand.
I'm going to take away whatever it is that's in your hand that you refuse to show to me.
"Richmond is a real scholar; Owen just learns languages because he can't bear not to know what other people are saying."--Margaret Lattimore on her two sons

azhong

Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-01-20, 8:19

(I've revised a previous passage.)
¶ Drowsily, he walked/stepped (out of his bedroom) to/onto the landing of the staircase and, as he stepped down on the first tread/as he trod down on the first step, a twinge shot through his right knee at once and waked him up thoroughly.
► Show Spoiler
¶ He paused(, reached for the bannister) and grabbed the bannister in time, waiting for the twinge subsided/fell off waiting until the twinge subsided/waiting for the twinge to subside.
“Ouch,” grunted the man softly. “Damn it!”
► Show Spoiler

¶ (c.f. an earlier version): Drowsily, the man stepped out of his bedroom onto the landing. His right foot reached down onto the first step and at once a twinge shot through his knee. He paused, reached out to the banister and grasped it.
"Ouch!" he moaned softly."Damn it![/quote]

¶ 1 He moaned softly.
2 He softly moaned.
equally natural;(1) is more common in speech and (2) is more common in writing.
Last edited by azhong on 2022-01-24, 9:25, edited 4 times in total.

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby linguoboy » 2022-01-20, 21:37

azhong wrote:He paused(, reached for the bannister) and grabbed the bannister in time, waiting for the twinge subsided/fell off.

Either "waiting until the twinge subsided" or "waiting for the twinge to subside".

azhong wrote:Q: Is the first sentence more natural than the second because the position of the adverb? That is, In a short sentence without any ?compliment? at all for a general verb (but not a be-verb), is it more natural to let the adverb following the modified verb instead of preceding it?
1 He moaned softly.
2 He softly moaned.

I would say that both alternatives sounds equally natural but that (1) is more common in speech and (2) is more common in writing.
"Richmond is a real scholar; Owen just learns languages because he can't bear not to know what other people are saying."--Margaret Lattimore on her two sons

azhong

Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-01-21, 5:43

¶ (This evening/In this evening they both had been caught were both caught* by a sudden rain and, awkwardly, came back at the same time. After the man had followed the woman going up along the narrow stairs, they were standing in the narrow corridor opening separate doors next to each other.)
► Show Spoiler

M: “It seems that I haven’t seen your husband lately.”
(對了,最近很少看見你先生?)
W: “Yes. His company sent him to a business trip.”
(是啊,這陣子他公司有事,派了他出去。)
M: “No wonder I often meet you run into you/see you at the noodle stall.”
► Show Spoiler

(怪不得老在麵攤看見你。)
W: “Being alone On my own, (I am lazy about cooking) I'm too lazy to cook.”
(一個人懶得煮飯。)
W: “By the way, how about your wife? I haven’t seen her lately, either.”
(對了,你太太呢?最近也很少看見她。)
M: “Her mother got ill, and she went back to keep her[=her mother] company.”
(她媽媽有點不舒服,囘娘家陪陪她。)
► Show Spoiler

W: “I see. Good evening* Good night.”
(怪不得了。晚安。)
M: “Good evening Good night.”
(晚安。)
► Show Spoiler

(The man looked at*/watched the woman going go in her house and closing close her door up. On his face was a puzzling smile.)
► Show Spoiler

Q: *Can I say the formula "look at something/someone doing some action"? I know the formula suits "watch".
You can, but it sounds awkward in this context.
Last edited by azhong on 2022-03-06, 4:03, edited 3 times in total.

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby linguoboy » 2022-01-21, 14:49

azhong wrote:
He stood straight, with a puzzlinged smile on his face. He cleared his throat.

Q: Can I say
?There is a puzzling smile on his face.?
to express that I don't understand why he smiles and what his smile means; i.e. his smile puzzles me?

You can.

azhong wrote:¶ (This evening they both had been caught by a sudden rain and, awkwardly, came back at the same time. After the man had followed the woman going up along the narrow stairs, they were standing in the narrow corridor opening separate doors next to each other.)

M: “It seems that I haven’t seen your husband lately.”
W: “Yes. His company sent him to a business trip.”
M: “No wonder I often meet you at the noodle stall.”

"Meet" implies something prearranged. If they're only encountering each other by chance, "run into" is better. But the Chinese is 看見 so why not use "see"?

azhong wrote:W: “Being aloneOn my own I'm lazy for about cooking/too lazy to cook.”
W: “By the way, how about your wife? I haven’t seen her lately, either.”
M: “Her mother got ill, and she went back to keep her company.”
W: “I see. Good evening.”
M: “Good evening.”

Perhaps it's different in UK English, but in USAmerican English, "good evening" is only used as a greeting (and is rather formal). If they don't expect to see each other again after this interaction, the natural thing to say would be "good night".

azhong wrote:(The man watched the woman going in her house and closinge her door up. On his face was a puzzling smile.)
*Can I say the formula "look at something/someone doing some action"? I know the formula suits "watch".

You can, but it sounds awkward in this context. The simple past is strongly preferred when you're narrating past events. (I'd also prefer "were caught" to "had been caught" above for the same reason.) Moreover, going into the house and closing the door are considered punctual actions (even though both do have a brief duration) so using an ing-form sounds odd.
"Richmond is a real scholar; Owen just learns languages because he can't bear not to know what other people are saying."--Margaret Lattimore on her two sons

azhong

Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-01-22, 6:31

(I've translated another dialogue of the same film. Thank you for your revisions.)

(The man and the woman have coffee together in a Café sitting face to face across a narrow table.)
M: Sorry to bother you with the meeting. I am wondering if you could tell me where I can buy the handbag you took/you brought with you yesterday?
冒昧約你出來其實是有點事情想請教你。你昨天拿的皮包,不知道在哪裡有得買?
W: Why ask?
你為什麼這麼問?
Nothing particular. I just saw its design was special and wanted to buy one for my wife.
喔,沒有,只是看這款式很別緻,想買一個送給我太太。
You are so thoughtful to your wife, Mr. Chou.
周先生你對太太真細心。
It’s nothing. She’s picky, and her birthday is coming soon in a couple of days, but I don’t know what to buy. (He lighted a cigarette with a metal lighter.) Could you buy one for me?
哪裡。她這人很挑剔,過兩天她生日也想不到買什麼送給她。你能幫我買一個嗎?
Maybe she’d not like it if it’s the same.
如果是一模一樣的,她可能不喜歡吧。
You are right. I didn't think women mind that.
說的也是,我倒是沒想到女人會介意的。
Indeed, especially if it happens between neighbors.
會啊,特別是隔壁鄰居。
M: Does it have some other color?
不知道有沒有別的顏色?
You need to ask my husband then.
那個要問我先生了。
Why?
為什麼?
It’s him who bought me the handbag on a business trip going abroad. He said it wasn’t available in Hong Kong.
那個皮包是我先生在外地工作時買給我的。他說香港買不到。
Forget it, then.
那就算了吧。

(The woman stirs her coffee slowly with a sugar spoon while the man smokes again and drinks coffee.)
W: Actually, I also have something to ask you.
其實我也有件事情想請教你。
What’s it?
什麼事?
Where did you buy your necktie?
你的領帶在哪裡買的?
M: (Looking down at his necktie and then smiling) I have no idea. It’s my wife who bought all my neckties.
我也不知道。我的領帶全是我太太幫我買的。
Oh. Is it?
是嗎?
It comes to my mind now. Her company sent her abroad to a business trip once, and she brought me it when coming back. She said it wasn’t available in Hong Kong.
啊,我想起來了。有一次她公司派她到外地工作,她回來的時候送給我的。她說香港買不到。
Such a coincidence.
也會這麼巧啊。
M: It is, indeed.
是啊。

(A short period of silence between them, while the music in the Café lasts, a slow, foreign song.)
W: In fact, my husband has a necktie same as yours. He said it was from his boss, so he wears it everyday.
其實我先生也有一條領帶跟你的一模一樣。他說是他老闆送給他的,所以天天都帶著。
My wife also has a handbag same as yours.
我太太也有個皮包跟你的一模一樣。
W: I know. I’ve seen it. (A short pause.) What’d you like to say?
我知道。我見過。你想說什麼?
(The man says nothing but just take another smoke. A close-up view of the rising smoke and then a frame of the burning cigarette, which is obviously much shorter and on which the section of ash is unusually long.)
W: I thought only I knew.
我還以為只有我一個人知道。
Last edited by azhong on 2022-03-06, 4:33, edited 1 time in total.

azhong

Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-01-23, 4:05

¶ Now, he was moving like a polio victim* or a patient with his right knee fast*/firmly fixed in a plaster cast.
▍*like a polio victim= as a polio victim does /as is a polio victim /as with a polio
(as: + a clause or a preposition phrase)
She wears wears her skirt* (the way) as the fashion may be.
She wears wears her skirt as is the fashion (maybe). (an inverted clause.)
► Show Spoiler
► Show Spoiler

¶ Even as playful as he was, he did not forget to pay attention and noticed that the discomfort was better compared to the mornings before, seemingly reassuring/comforting* him (that) his knee was not seriously hurt and he was still allowed to be incautious at times, and t. The* twinge was fully gone by the time he reached the last step.
► Show Spoiler
¶ He hopped down to the ground and cried dramatically.

"My Lord, my Lord, why didst Thou abandon me?"

Then, going off stage mentally, he turned to switch off the lamp above the staircase. Normally but joyfully, he walked toward the kitchen being quite satisfied with his improvisation without an audience, and remained fired up when he passed the radio and switched it on as usual.
Last edited by azhong on 2022-01-25, 2:15, edited 6 times in total.

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby linguoboy » 2022-01-23, 16:31

azhong wrote:Now, he was moving like a polio victim* or a patient with his right knee firmly fixed in a plaster cast.

azhong wrote:*She wears (the way) as the fashion may be.

"Wear" in the sense of "have on" is transitive. Used intransitively of people, it means "to be wearying".

azhong wrote:Even as playful as he was, he did not forget to pay attention and noticed that the discomfort was better compared to the mornings before, seemingly reassuring/comforting him (that) his knee was not seriously hurt and he was still allowed to be incautious at times, and the twinge was fully gone by the time he reached the last step. He hopped down to the ground and cried dramatically.

This is a run-on sentence. It can be used for stylistic effect, but here I think it just sounds awkward and I would start a new sentence with "The twinge".

azhong wrote:Then, going off stage mentally, he turned to switch off the ladder lamp of the staircase.

I don't know what a "ladder lamp" is supposed to be. Is it just the lamp above the staircase?
"Richmond is a real scholar; Owen just learns languages because he can't bear not to know what other people are saying."--Margaret Lattimore on her two sons

azhong

Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-01-24, 5:49

Q: word order: "both still" or "still both"? Which one(s) is/are grammatical and which one(s) natural?
1. Tom and John both still wear hats.
2. Tom and John still both wear hats.
(=3.Both Tom and John still wear hats.)
Both sentences sound natural to me.
In S2 I perceive the emphasis as being on "both", since the unmarked position would be directly after the noun phrase. (The degree of emphasis on "both": both Tom and John still < Tom and John both still < Tom and John still both.)
Last edited by azhong on 2022-01-25, 2:20, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby linguoboy » 2022-01-24, 16:24

azhong wrote:
linguoboy wrote:...a patient with his right knee
fast/firmly fixed in a plaster cast.

Q: Could you pls explain why fast doesn't work here? I thought it can be used as a synonym of firmly, tightly etc.
(According to the Cambridge dictionary:
fast: firmly fixed:
The glue had set and my hand was stuck fast.
He tried to get away, but she held him fast.)

Wiktionary calls this meaning "dated". The AHD doesn't, but has it in 9th place in its list of definitions. Merriam-Webster omits the definition "firmly fixed" from their short list of "Essential meanings of fast".

In short, although I would expect any educated speaker of English to recognise this usage, I don't know that I've ever heard anyone use the word this way in colloquial speech. Even when I do read it, it's in semi-fossilised collocations like "held fast" and "stuck fast". I can't recall ever seeing it used the way you've used it here.

azhong wrote:
...seemingly, [the phenomenon was]reassuring/comforting him (that) his knee was not seriously hurt

Q: Not a phenomenon or a sign can comfort someone, but only animate objects like human beings and pets can. Is it?

You can use comfort with inanimates (e.g. "a comforting sight"), but it's unusual. I just think "reassuring" sounds more natural here.

azhong wrote:Q: word order: "both still" or "still both"? Which one(s) is/are grammatical and which one(s) natural?
1. Tom and John both still wear hats.
2. Tom and John still both wear hats.
(=Both Tom and John still wear hats.)
Is it that S1 is a natural expression and then S2 is also grammatical but has a special emphasis on "still"?

Actually, in S2 I perceive the emphasis as being on "both", since the unmarked position would be directly after the noun phrase. (Well, the less-marked position; the least-marked position is before the noun phrase, i.e. "both Tom and John"). But it's not a strong emphasis and both sentences sound natural to me.
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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby linguoboy » 2022-01-26, 16:49

azhong wrote:¶ It was already late, Nick thought; no more customers would come in. It was nice to end the day/call it a day with the two of them, to end another evening when no one around me was/were

"No one" always takes singular agreement in English, just like "one" and "someone".

azhong wrote:beaten down on the ground. No chests kneeled/knelt on, no throats pressed, no heads hammered. I shouldn't have used my muscles from workouts that way.

Okay, this is all very jarring. Perhaps that's the effect you're going for though? You start out with indirect speech:

It was already late, Nick thought...

We can tell this is indirect because of the tense shift. If this were a direct quote, Nick would presumably be thinking "It's already late." There's no indication after that that you've switched to direct speech until we get to "around me", which I initially deleted because it seems out of place. Then finally we get a sentence with a first-person subject and I'm like, "Wait, what?" If you want to make it clear these are Nick's actual thoughts and not a restatement of them by a third-person omniscient narrator, you need to rewrite the entire paragraph and use quotation marks:

"It's already late", Nick thought, "No more customers will come in. It's nice to end the day with these two, to end another evening with no one around me getting beaten down on the ground...."

azhong wrote:No threatening yells or pocket knives or injuries or blood. No one would be sent to the hospital. No one needed to escape from police officers running after, either. Peace.
Mentally/In his mind, Nick had returned to his homely place, taken a relaxing shower, and collapsed on his bed; however, he took his time doing the washing-up. Not till after the couple had left would he close his shop. Faucet water/Tap water flew down along Nick's fingers and flashed in the sink. It was cozily cool.

"Homely" means "ugly". The word for "like a home" is "homey", but it doesn't make any sense to use "homey place" when you're actually talking about his home.
"Richmond is a real scholar; Owen just learns languages because he can't bear not to know what other people are saying."--Margaret Lattimore on her two sons

azhong

Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-02-02, 7:35

(A take in the film A simple life.)
¶ She was shopping in a traditional market, walking slowly and glancing around at groceries around. A woven grocery bag was hanging on her right elbow, and in her left hand was a plastic bag of something. She paused in front of a stalk stall* out of (the) frame, gazed, and then inquired.
► Show Spoiler

¶ “How much?”
“Six dollars a jin.”
“Six dollars...,” she repeated, smiling politely to the responder/seller also out of the frame, and then hesitating whether to buy or not. She eventually :?: dropped it/left it/let it go/didn't buy* :?: and walked on again.
► Show Spoiler

¶ She was about seventy years old, with hanging cheeks, crow’s feet and grey hair, looking like an ordinary aged woman who has rather worn over time worn down by time. She was not tall, and her slightly hunching back together with her plain, gray clothing made her seemingly seem even shorter and older.
Last edited by azhong on 2022-02-03, 4:35, edited 3 times in total.

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby linguoboy » 2022-02-02, 15:57

azhong wrote:(A take in the film A simple life.)
¶ She was shopping in a traditional market, walking slowly and glancing around at groceries around. A woven grocery bag was hanging on her right elbow, and in her left hand was a plastic bag of something. She paused in front of a stalk out of the frame[1], gazed, and then inquired.
“How much?”
“Six dollars a jin.”
“Six dollars...,” she repeated, smiling politely to the responder also out of the frame, and then hesitating whether to buy or not. She eventually :?: dropped it/left it/let it go/didn't buy :?:[2] and walked on again.

She was about seventy years old, with hanging cheeks, crow’s feet and grey hair, looking like an ordinary aged woman who has rather worn over time[3]. She was not tall, and her slightly hunching back together with her plain, gray clothing made her seemingly even shorter and older.

1. If it's out of frame, how do we know it's a stalk? I'm really confused what's being described here.
2. I don't think you need to say anything here except "...she walked on again". If you don't actually mention her buying anything, the reader will assume she did not.
3. I get what you're trying to say here, but it doesn't work for me at all. "rather worn down by time" might work though.
"Richmond is a real scholar; Owen just learns languages because he can't bear not to know what other people are saying."--Margaret Lattimore on her two sons

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-02-03, 1:55

Last edited by azhong on 2022-02-04, 9:04, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby Linguaphile » 2022-02-03, 4:00

azhong wrote:
1. If it's out of frame, how do we know it's a stalk? I'm really confused what's being described here.

Do you mean it might be, denotationally, not a stalk, but possibly some other spaces, specifically supermarkets or trucks or nothing but groceries displayed on the ground for example, where you can also buy?

Otherwise, there have been takes in advance showing her walking in the flow of people along stalks by the road. When she was facing the camera lens saying her lines, you can also seen a man sitting behind her selling groceries and, in addition, a small corner of groceries on the front right corner.

I think you mean stall rather than a stalk. Stall = a stand for the sale of goods. Stalk = the stem of a plant, or something of a similar shape (in the context of a market it might be some vegetable or plant that comes in stalks, like a celery stalk, asparagus, or bamboo).

I think this is what is causing confusion. We could know (based on the fact that she's at a market and talking to a seller) that there is a stall out of frame. That sounds fine.
But when you said there was a stalk out of frame, it sounded like she was pausing in front of a particular product being sold and if it's out of the frame we wouldn't know that it was a stalk (a vegetable like celery or asparagus) as opposed to something else like tomatoes, cabbages or bunches of grapes (or whatever!). How could we know that it was a stalk, if we can't see it? That's why it was confusing, but if you meant stall, it makes sense. We can know that it is a stall even though we can't see it, because we know what markets are like.
Sono di continuo a caccia di parole. Descriverei il processo così: Ogni giorno entro in un bosco con un cestino in mano. Trovo le parole tutt'attorno: sugli alberi, nei cespugli, per terra (in realtà: per la strada, durante la conversazioni, mentre leggo). Ne raccolgo quante più possibile. -Jhumpa Lahiri

azhong

Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-02-04, 3:01

(Q: to use the skill of stream of consciousness... ↓)

(And then my exercise: A take immediately following the previous one in the same film A Simple Life.)
¶ At another stall, another woman was buying a kind of oval vegetable, cucumbers maybe. She took picked one up, carefully checked it, put it down and then picked another. The seller was nearby displaying another kind of vegetable and got involved/ intervened.

¶ “Are you able to pick or are you not? Do you know how to pick a good one or not? Those with both heads ends round rounded* are good,” he said rudely, grabbing one from the pile. ”This one is good.”
► Show Spoiler

¶ He was tall and toned, wearing a black knit cap, a grey sweater and a black apron, with a towel tucked around his neck. He took from her the one in her right hand she was just picking up and another one in her left hand she had already chosen.
toned: (of a body) firm and strong

¶ “Enough?” he asked and, seeing her nodded obediently, weighted them. “Sixteen dollars.”

The woman paid and left. He reorganized the pile of cucumbers, giving an unfriendly look out of his eye corners toward her direction* glaring at her out of the corner of his eye.
(or
When he was reorganizing the pile of cucumbers, he glared at her...and complained, ...)
► Show Spoiler

¶ “Do I still make business or not if all are so picky like you? Can I still make any money if everyone is as picky as you?” he complained.

At the time* At the same time, a tubby man with a grey goat beard goatee and also wearing an apron, his co-worker maybe, walked toward him quickly and excitedly informing him.
(or As he was reorganizing..., a tubby man walked...)
“She's coming! She's coming!"

...informing him,“She's coming! She's coming!"
► Show Spoiler
Last edited by azhong on 2022-02-11, 10:45, edited 3 times in total.

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Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby linguoboy » 2022-02-04, 18:15

azhong wrote:Q: I guess I just need to leave out the quotation marks in your revision if I intend to use the skill of stream of consciousness? Should the colored "No" still be capitalized when without quotation marks?

No, it should only be capitalised if it's preceded by a period.

azhong wrote:No one will be sent to the hospital needs to stay over in an emergency room.

The "emergency room" (North American usage; often abbreviated to "ER") is an area of a hospital, not really a specific room. ERs often have individual rooms or bays for holding patients but these are for temporary use. Patients are either treated there and released or, in more serious cases, they are "admitted" and assigned a room on one of the regular floors. The usual expression would "needs to go to the (emergency room)(ER) [NAE]/to (casualty)(A&E) [UK]".

azhong wrote:¶ At another stall, a woman was buying a kind of oval vegetable, cucumbers maybe. She took picked one up, carefully checked it, put it down and then picked another. The seller was nearby displaying another kind of vegetable and intervened.

Is the "she" here the focus character from the previous scene or the woman at the stall who's just been introduced?

azhong wrote:Are you able o pick or are you not? Those with both heads round are good,” he said rudely, grabbing one from the pile. ”This one is good.”

Kind of an odd phrasing. More natural would be "Do you know how to pick a good one or not?" If "head" here refers to either end of the unidentified vegetable, "end" would be better. And I'd say "rounded" in that case because you're not talking about something being completely round (i.e. shaped like a ball).

azhong wrote:He was tall and toned, wearing a black sweater hat

This isn't a thing. Maybe you mean a knit cap?

azhong wrote:The woman paid and left. He reorganized the pile of cucumbers, giving an unfriendly look out of his eye corners toward her direction.

First, it's always "corner of the eye", never *"eye corner", and "in her direction", not "toward her direction", since "toward" by itself means "in the direction of". It's all very wordy and I'd prefer something like "he glared at her out of the corner of his eye".

azhong wrote:DoCan I still make business or notany money if all are soeveryone is as picky like as you?” he complained.

At the same time, a tubby man with a grey goatee beard and also wearing an apron, his co-worker maybe, walked toward him quickly and excitedly informing him, “She's coming! She's coming!"

"at the time" = back in those days (E.g. "At the time, I was still only getting paid ten dollars an hour.')
"at the same time" = simultaneously
"Richmond is a real scholar; Owen just learns languages because he can't bear not to know what other people are saying."--Margaret Lattimore on her two sons

azhong

Re: Azhong's Writing Practice.

Postby azhong » 2022-02-05, 7:47

Is the "she" here the focus character from the previous scene or the woman at the stall who's just been introduced?

"In another area of the market, there was a vegetable stall, where a woman was buying some oval vegetable, cucumbers maybe. She picked..."

¶ The woman buying the unidentified vegetable is just a negligible role; the director doesn’t even show her full face but only an incidental take of her profile when she is passing the vegetable to the seller. That scene is to sketch the seller, which will become the background of the coming plot when the protagonist/ main actress, the earlier aged woman carrying bags, will show up again.
► Show Spoiler

¶ The film is based on a true story, as the audience can read on screen at the beginning of the film:

本故事根據真人實事改編
The story is adapted based on a true one. based on actual event and real people.)
鐘春桃,即桃姐,
Zhong Spring Peach, a.k.a. Sister Peach,
原籍台山,自幼家貧,
Was born in Toishan, in a poor family,
出生不久即被人收養,
And was soon adopted after her birth.
養父在日本侵華期間被殺,
Her adoptive father was killed when Japanese invaded China.
養母無能力再照顧桃姐
Her adoptive mother was no more able to take care of Sister Peach and,
輾轉之下,將桃姐安排到梁家充當家傭,
through many places, deposited/placed Sister Peach in Liang’s family as a domestic worker.
自十三歲起桃姐先後照顧過梁家四代,
Since the age of thirteen, Sister Peach has successively taken care of four generations of Liang’s family
共六十多年。
For more than sixty years.
Last edited by azhong on 2022-02-24, 10:41, edited 2 times in total.


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