Can you please correct my mistakes in this text?

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Irusia
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Can you please correct my mistakes in this text?

Postby Irusia » 2016-10-24, 8:12

We got off the bus and continued our journey on foot. Just a few hours passed and we were already at the bottom of the mountain, ready to begin our ascention.
We climbed higher and higher, althogh it was quite hard, we had no intention to give up.
The evening was coming and it became growing dark, so we started to look for night lodging (a place where to stay at night and put up a tent). After we found a cozy place near a river, boys put up tents, we gathered firewood, brought water, and girls cooked dinner. We ate, everyng was very tasty. We began singing and my brother Markiyan played the guitar. But we didn't have fun long, because we were really exhausted and a long way was awaiting us tomorrow, so we went to sleep.
In the morning we packed our things up and continued our journey. The top of the mountain was not far away, so we hoped to reach it and come down till the end of the day (or "on the same day"?). We went and went (we climbed upper and upper?), until we finally reached our destination.
On the top of the mountain we felt very happy and proud of ourselves. We enjoyed wonderful landscapes that stretched in front of us. I have never seen such beaty in my life, and I understood that my efforts were worth it.
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OyVey
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Re: Can you please correct my mistakes in this text?

Postby OyVey » 2016-10-24, 14:27

We got off the bus and continued our journey on foot. After a few hours we were already at the bottom of the mountain, ready to begin our ascent. We climbed higher and higher, and although it was quite difficult, we had no intention of giving up. The evening was quickly approaching as it was growing dark, so we started to look for a place to pitch our tents. We found a nice place near a river. The boys put up the tents, we all gathered firewood, brought water, and the girls cooked dinner. We had a pleasant dinner. My brother Markiyan played the guitar and we sang for a while. But soon after, because we were really exhausted, and had a long journey ahead of us the next day, so we went to bed early.
In the morning we packed up and continued our journey. The summit of the mountain was not far away, so we hoped to reach it and and climb down that very same day. We climbed up the mountain until we finally reached the summit. When we finally reached the summit we felt very happy proud of ourselves. We enjoyed the beautiful landscape stretching out in front of us. I had never seen such beauty before in my life, and I felt that it was definitly worth it.
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Irusia
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Re: Can you please correct my mistakes in this text?

Postby Irusia » 2016-10-24, 14:39

Thank you!
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linguoboy
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Re: Can you please correct my mistakes in this text?

Postby linguoboy » 2016-10-24, 18:02

A lot of what OyVey changed weren't "mistakes" but simply stylistic choices. If you'd prefer to see just what the actual grammatical errors were, let me know.
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Re: Can you please correct my mistakes in this text?

Postby OyVey » 2016-10-24, 19:40

Speaking only of grammar, it was actually quite good.
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Re: Can you please correct my mistakes in this text?

Postby linguoboy » 2016-10-24, 19:46

OyVey wrote:Speaking only of grammar, it was actually quite good.

I didn't think it was that bad stylistically either, certainly not to the point that it required an extensive rewrite.

Some of the changes you made actually sound worse, e.g. "But soon after, because we were really exhausted, and had a long journey ahead of us the next day, so we went to bed early."
"Richmond is a real scholar; Owen just learns languages because he can't bear not to know what other people are saying."--Margaret Lattimore on her two sons

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OyVey
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Re: Can you please correct my mistakes in this text?

Postby OyVey » 2016-10-24, 19:50

How about: "We went to bed soon afterwards, because we knew we had a long journey ahead of us the next day."

How would you say it?
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linguoboy
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Re: Can you please correct my mistakes in this text?

Postby linguoboy » 2016-10-24, 19:54

I feel like less editing is better. There's nothing grammatically wrong with "But we didn't have fun long, because we were really exhausted and a long way was awaiting us tomorrow, so we went to sleep." But "a long way was awaiting us" is unidiomatic, so I hold with replacing this with "we had a long way ahead of us". For some reason, "we didn't have fun for long" seems to roll off the tongue better, but otherwise I'd leave the sentence as is.
"Richmond is a real scholar; Owen just learns languages because he can't bear not to know what other people are saying."--Margaret Lattimore on her two sons


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